Politics and Scandals, Technology and Fraud Comments (0)
Read the source story first.Dulls, Very Dulls, VA — (FAP) The U.S. congress reacted forcefully to a report released this past week by the CDC citing evidence that at least 82 U.S. youths had died while playing “The Choking Game”. A bipartisan group of both houses said they would move to quickly convene hearings within the next month or two, schedules permitting, to investigate whether this so-called choking video game should, in fact, be banned and whether its manufacturer could be held liable.Senator Joe Lieberman, Connecticut, a long-time critic of people having too much fun playing video games, was shocked when senior staffers notified him that the ESRB, the video game industry’s own watchdog and ratings board, had, upon being contacted, quickly issued a statement saying they had never even heard of “The Choking Game”.“What we have here, folks, is a clear dereliction of duty. An industry that is so out-of-touch with itself and with the values of the American People,” said Leiberman, without the slightest hint of irony, in prepared remarks that were simulcast on Second Life last night.Leiberman staffers contacted top video game publishers Activision and Electronic Arts for comment but neither one could confirm or deny whether they owned the gaming or sequel rights to “The Choking Game”, fueling further speculation among the Connecticut Senator’s staff that perhaps this game had somehow managed to remain completely underground, on the down low, if you will, passed illicitly from child to child by way of the series of tubes that we now know as the internet; that the game itself might be the latest harmful invention of the most nefarious software publishing arm in the world; no, not Rockstar Games, not even Microsoft; yes, you guessed it: Al-Quadia-soft LLC.A call to Nintendo, the manufacturer of the popular Wii gaming console, also left staffers empty-handed and in desperate need of a clue; though Leiberman himself remained unconvinced that the Japanese gaming giant was somehow not involved in the conspiracy to destroy America’s youth and asked that the military be placed on high alert once more in Pearl Harbor, should there be any military left there.During the press conference, Leiberman demonstrated just how easy it was to play golf and tennis with the Nintendo Wii before showing Washington reporters that it was also easy—too easy—to also accidentally get the wire thingy between the Wii-mote and the Nunchuk wrapped around your neck which, if you weren’t careful, could simulate actual choking to the throat; which, if prolonged, could lead to a loss of consciousness, a loss of life or worse.This reporter decided to research these spurious claims further. Indeed, a quick check of top video game review websites like IGN and Game Spot turned up zero matches for “The Choking Game”. We also drew blanks when looking for each of the other names by which CDC insists the game is also known by: “Blackout Game”, “Passout Game”, “Scarf Game” and “Space Monkey”, though the latter search did bring up some interesting results including something called “Super Monkey Ball” and another thing called “Donkey Kong” which, if it really is about a giant burro in space, means something is definitely wrong with our search engine.All this research—which, ok, who am I fooling, it was just a few web queries ten minutes before a two-hour four-martini lunch—has led us to wonder whether someone choked when writing this so-called “Choking Game” report; whether it isn’t just a cynical “cry for help” from the CDC, a desperate attempt to secure additional funding or the makers of “Sugar Daddy” as a corporate sponsor.Call us cynical if you want, but we’re just certain that‘s why the CDC hasn’t been returning our calls for comment; well, that and the fact that we haven’t actually gotten around to calling them yet. We’re too busy trying to get our hands around one of these hot new video games.
Jeff Von Ward @ February 18, 2008
Politics and Scandals, National News Comments (0)
Warshington, DC– (FAP) At the Conservative Political Action Rally last week in Nuremberg, Dubya attempted to mobilize all three rings of the Ringling Bros. & Republican Party Circus: staunch conservatives, true conservatives (considered more conservative and barely on speaking terms with their staunch brethren), and right-wing media nut-jobs–the most conservative faction of all–by telling everyone present that they represented a truly big tent and, even though they were, at present, down in the polls, their sagging tent would eventually prevail over their opponents’, what with all the elephants, Rush Limbaugh and peanut shells.
Dubya did his best to bolster McCain by saying he was sorry for ever suggesting that McCain had fathered a black child when clearly he was an old white guy like us. He then quickly called into question the patriotism of those who would oppose his historic grab at the tarnished brass ring of the presidency–not the conservatives, but the Democrats, who, he said, amid boos and hisses and elephant shrieks, have threatened to bring peace and prosperity to this once great nation of ours.
At that, near pandemonium broke out at the rally, though it was hard to say whether the crowd was responding to Bush’s clear hatred of the other party or the dense plumes of smoke coming from the main tent where Tucker Carlson was spotted burning Beatles records.
“Fortunately for McCain,” the president said, “peace itself has never seemed like much of a virtue to the hardworking men and women of this country.”
The president went on to say that a platform for peace and prosperity would, in fact, mean we have surrendered to the terrorists and that both he and McCain were united in the belief that most voting Americans would reject such a well-stated fib completely out-of-hand.
“The price for prosperity is simply too high, even in today’s risky markets,” the president said. “Especially if we can continue to borrow money we don’t have to fund a war we don’t need.”
The crowd apparently agreed, quacking and raising their lighted cell phones high above their heads, not to get a better signal but, rather, like a group of devotees at a stadium rock concert: it was a call of true support for this lamest duck of presidents.
Their calls, however, quickly went to voice mail.
Jeff Von Ward @ February 11, 2008
Eagle’s Gastric Bypass, Tejas — (FAP) Local residents of this quiet border town thought they were meeting to review the town’s latest landscaping bids and this bucolic community of 20,000 seemed pretty evenly divided between those who wanted to plant an arboreal row of Italian Cyprus and those who had pinned their hopes on a genteel brook cascading from a giant man-made fountain. What neither group foresaw was that the town’s no-bid landscaping contract had been awarded to the Department of Homeland Security. Now neither group would get their wishes, since aides to Michael Shirtoff, the deputy of something-or-other, revealed in a tense community meeting in town hall last night that instead of pleasant trees or a water feature, a 25-foot high barbed-wire fence would be built around the perimeter of town instead.
Some worried about what effect the fence, which would surely remind many residents of their time in prison, would have on already depressed housing market in the area. Still others wondered why the fence had to be built right in the middle of the Eagle Pass golf course and said they’d file suit against the government because they worry that the fence may be a danger to local golf carts and might be sending the wrong message to retirees in the state of denial who are considering relocating to their community.
The city council wondered whether a compromise could be brokered. Perhaps the fence could be built but only built half as tall or for half of the proposed 2,000 mile distance or perhaps, they wondered out loud, we could all agree to use the honor system or just tell the other side there’s an invisible force field; hey, that would work, what do you guys think? The crowd was not pleased, the podium microphone was turned on and further proposals from the audience were heard.
One proposal called for planter boxes full of colorful annuals to be placed on top of the fence in order to make it quote-unquote less goddamn depressing. But some wondered whether that idea was simply too unrealistic since, well, who would tend the flowers, if not the very people the fence was being built to keep out.
Robert Frost then rose and, speaking on behalf of those who had favored a brook, said he’d want to know what he was walling in or wailing on and whom he was likely to give the middle finger.
The next man to approach the podium was Lyle Landley. He said he didn’t favor a fence either but wondered whether the townsfolk would be interested in a monorail. When he broke out in song, he was tased by the senior city councilwoman from Eagle Pass and quickly ushered outside.
Last up was Christo who said he and his wife Jeanne-Claude could decorate the border with beautiful bolts of colorful fabric that would both blow in the wind and blow people’s minds.
The council said they would take all of the community’s suggestions under advisement as they prepared to meet with Michael Shirtoff to press for one, that he wear a shirt, I don’t care what threat level we’re at and, two, a fence that would be more representative of the town’s unique character and rich cultural heritage.
Jeff Von Ward @ February 8, 2008